No, the triple-x doesn’t mean what you think it means. (Unless you think it means that the weather in my hometown is so grotesque it should be prohibited and continue to stay as far away from me as possible forever and ever and ever. And if that’s what you thought, well, then, good for you. And also, get outta my head.) It just means, no, I’m not sad I’m missing it, buuuut I am sad I didn’t think to write this first.

“These temperatures are very dangerous and just about everybody and their mom (especially their mom – you know moms) would advise you to stay indoors and, if you absolutely must go outside, layer up like the little boy from The Christmas Story.

In times like this, it’s important to look out for your neighbors. No, not by walking to their homes to check in. Are you crazy?* It’s a Polar Tampax out there! You’ll freeze! No. All I’m saying is; keep an eye on your neighbor’s social media status updates about the cold. Those can be very telling. Below, I’ve listed samples of the most common types of cold weather status messages and advised on how best to read their subtext. This should help you decipher to what degree (pun intended) this Cooler Tex-Mex has driven your friend insane.”

“The Polar Vortex: Reading the Subtext in Cold Weather Social Media Updates,” by Mary Traina. Read the full article here.

Oh, and then, also, there’s this. My family wins for cutest!

Mami making “Woman-made snow”