If you can read minds (and also you follow me around, which is creepy so please stop), this is what you heard banging around my head Saturday at Press Publish, a WordPress conference where uber-talented somebodies like Ariel Meadow Stallings of Offbeat Bride and Longreads’ Mark Armstrong share stories, snacks and secrets with newbies like me.

Saturday, March 28

6:45: Whyyyy is the alarm going off? No, wait, better question: Whyyyy did I sign up for something that starts at 8 a.m. on a Saturday?!

8:00: I hope that 15-minute Pinterest rabbit hole was worth it, self. Now we’re late.

8:36: To stop or not to stop. That is the question…thaaat I know how I’ll answer because I can’t walk by a Sisters Coffee and not grab a mocha.

8:55: Well, duh. Of course I’d end up standing in back with my 3,000-pound computer bag and molten to-go cup. There are so many open chairs left. Why are we all standing back here? Is this like, a picket-line situation?

9:02: Ooh, I’m going to like this one. Two minutes in and there’s already a hand-drawn Venn Diagram.

9:30: Mary Laura Philpott is a goddess! Writing is fun! Writing is LIFE! I can do this!

9:35: Uh-oh. I already know all this. I may be inconsistent, but I do remember how the dashboard works. Maybe I’m in the wrong seminar?

9:40: Double uh-ohs. This one’s not for me, either. Does everybody know I’m slinking back and forth between rooms?  It’s times like these I’m disappointed in humanity for slacking on that whole teleportation thing.  Guess I’ll just walk to the Happiness Lounge.

10:00: One IT help, please. Oh, it’s easier for you to do all the work and set it up for me, you say? Yeah, yes, I think that’d be fine.

11:30: Longreads started as a hashtag? That’s incredible. Hey, heartreads sounds kinda like Longreads. Duly noted.

12:30: Ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod it’s lunch time. It’s find-a-seat-at-a-table-full-of-strangers time. Ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod.

12:31: They put conversation cards at each table. Cool. Too bad I can’t sit at the “Finding time for blogging,” and “Privacy vs. honesty,” tables simultaneously.

12:45: I made a friend! Awkwardness crisis averted.

12:55: Did she really just say she wants to read my blog? After how bad I was at describing it? Who is this angel?

2:05: Offbeat Bride totally gave me cute ideas for centerpieces. And she wasn’t even intending to run a wedding site! If I ever make it big, I’m totally buying shoes like that.

3:12: Who is this wonderful being? Mommy Man—remember that. He really is a superhero! A motivational superhero!

3:57: I’m supposed to have a media kit prepared? What in Godiva’s name is that? I don’t know how to read stats or use the Reader and I don’t follow anyone and I’m on wordpress.org not .com and everything is so hard and I’m so tired and I’m never gonna make it I should just fill my bag up with cookies from the snack bar and leave forever.

4:52: That lady just asked what everyone else is thinking. How did it happen so fast for all the panelists? Is the truth just that the rest of us suck?

4:52: I’ll never get a book deal. I suck.

4:53: “If you move just one person, you’ve succeeded.” Cecilia Gunther, new spirit animal.

5:00: I really should stick around for the networking social and tell all these awesome people how awesome they are.

5:10: Socialization level: Critical. Shutting down in 3, 2, 1…

5:11: The sun! The birds! The scent of warm pee kicking up from beneath my feet!

5:12: I need a drink.